“If you’re trying to please everyone, then you’re not going to make anything that is honestly yours, in the long run.”
– Viggo Mortensen
There was a time in my life where I genuinely worried about what others thought of me. It drove the decisions I made, it made me question myself, and it just overall ruled my behavior. Sometimes with age and time depending on how you react to your experiences, you start to lose that need to care as much. Other times you become stuck in trying to please other. For me, the moment that triggered the change was when I realized I don’t even know who I am. I asked myself, why am I the only one to step up? When did I become such a doormat? It was then that the need for acceptance became a little less stronger. But acceptance is one of the many aspects of being a people pleaser. Keep reading so I can break it down for you.
The “People Pleaser” is incredibly distracted by everything and everyone else. You have responsibilities to others and your routine usually revolves around that and could even become an excuse. You choose to put others before yourself, which distracts you from your true desires and passion. Your distractions could even be part of your passions, but there is something that is missing. The people pleaser needs to be a little selfish. Take to time to listen to your heart’s true desire and figure out a way to make it happen. Find a balance with your passion and responsibilities. Or you may have to spread those responsibilities around so they are not solely a burden on you.
- You are naturally compassionate and don’t know when to draw the line.
- No one else ever tries to step up to handle things, because you’re usually the one to do it.
- You seek approval from others and always put their needs ahead of your own.
- You are the definition of passive-aggressive.
- You let others take advantage of you to keep the peace and avoid negative feelings.
- People can easily guilt you into doing things.
- You feel worthy when doing for others but not yourself.
1. Seeking Approval
As I mentioned before acceptance or approval is one of the sure fire ways you are a people pleaser and the deepest root to producing that feeling is FEAR. There’s a fear of disappointment, rejection, criticism, judgment, loneliness, the list goes on and on depending on your situation. So we seek approval to avoid certain negative emotions. The problem is, in caring too much about what others think you start to lose what makes you who you are. Whether it be your voice, your opinions, your standards, or even your personality. Keeping up the “appearance” to the one you’re trying to please.
THE FIX: Instead of seeking approval and acceptance in others, seek it within yourself. It’s a hard lesson to learn that everyone isn’t going to like or accept you. Sometimes, no matter what you do, it just is what it is. I mean just take the nature of social media. When posting on your social media you’ll never see the same general types of comments, usually, there will be some who are positive and others who are negative. The point is you will NEVER satisfy everyone. And on the other hand if all you’re focusing on is satisfying someone else, when are you going to satisfy and be ok with you, who you are, and what you want. You need to develop confidence in the essence of you and what you believe.
2. Sole Accountability
On another note some who find themselves stuck as a people pleaser are usually the ones that are most likely to take accountability and get things done. And that is why others put everything on you because you NEVER say no. Others take advantage of your kindness or ability with no consideration. They get used to the fact that you’re always going to clean up the mess, no matter what. Sometimes you’re the only one who steps up whether it’s because you feel like it’s your duty or you simply don’t trust others too. The goal is to keep the peace, do what’s right, or get the task at hand completed while trying to avoid any negative tension, in the completion of the task, or wrongness (and yes, I made that word up).
THE FIX: Truly analyze your situation to see if you’re being taken advantage of. If so, what is the best way to resolve this? Is it best to confront the situation head on and put your foot down? Is it best to establish some sort of compromise or a way to make a situation fairer? The point is to do what works best for you but make sure it is productive to actually come to a resolution. Now, remember, the fact of the matter is there are some people meant to lead and some people meant to follow. But, if you are okay with leading or taking accountability make sure you are standing in your truth and owning it, not just doing it to please others.
Self-neglect obviously is the central thread in being a people pleaser. I find people who neglect themselves are naturally compassionate. It’s evident in the fact that they put others over self. Remember those negative emotions I keep mentioning? Well, there too is a lot of reasons why someone settles for self-neglect, love, guilt, being impressionable, no self-love, and so on and so forth. But this will make you feel forgotten as if others don’t even see you or better yet APPRECIATE you.
THE FIX: Slide from under the door so you won’t continue to let people walk all over you, and move on up from the back burner to the front. Sometimes it’s easier to help others instead of helping yourself. But if you don’t better yourself how are you going to be any good to others. You just need to be a little selfish and make sure you are appreciated. One way to start doing that is speaking up and be honest. Trust me, the passive aggressive silence only builds resentment that grows into an even bigger mess. It’s nothing wrong with helping others but DO NOT continue to neglect yourself without consideration in order to do so.
When you read this I don’t want you to take it as doing for others is wrong, because it’s not. It becomes a problem when you consistently do for others or try to please others and get nothing in return. Or when you do everything you can to make someone happy and they’re never satisfied. Or you always put others first and yet are still unappreciated. When your best isn’t “good enough,” you have to stand up for yourself and be strong in the fact that you can still be a good person who is good to others but you will not be taken advantage of. You have a right to get a return, or satisfaction, or feel appreciated and don’t you ever forget it! (I say that as I do three snaps in Z formation!)
So, are you a People Pleaser? Make sure to comment and share! Let me know if you can relate to this limbo profile!